A volunteer once told me that his 79-year-old mother had advanced Alzheimer’s and was in pain, which made him anxious and depressed. He said that he couldn’t stand to see her in that condition.
“You are facing a sad and difficult situation,” I said. “But the situation is not what is making you anxious and depressed . . . you are making yourself anxious and depressed by thinking about it in unhealthy and unrealistic ways.”
I suggested to him, “The problem starts with the thought that you must be in control. You say that what is happening is awful and terrible—it shouldn’t be the way it is. But the reality is that there are things in life we cannot control. Life does include suffering and difficulties. It is futile to say that a reality should NOT be the way it is—when it IS the way it is! Tell yourself that you can accept what you don’t like. Say something like: ‘It is too bad that it’s like this . . . it is very unfortunate, but I AM standing it, and will continue to do so with grace and persistence. Some suffering is part of life.’”
“You are saying that your mother does not deserve Alzheimer’s? The reality is that life does not necessarily give us what we deserve. Tell yourself, ‘I wish my mother did not have Alzheimer’s but she does have it. It is very sad but I can stand it.’ Keep saying those healthy and realistic thoughts to yourself, day after day. It takes only a few minutes. Convince yourself.”
I invited the volunteer to do an exercise that enabled him to get in touch with, and then change, his unhealthy feelings. “Close your eyes and vividly imagine your mother being in pain. Then, make yourself feel emotions you experience when doing so: you describe that you feel choked-up and furious—feel it now, don’t repress it! And now, with that same image of your mother suffering, make yourself feel sorry and regretful—but NOT horrified or depressed. Think about it in a realistic and rational way. It is important that you do this exercise every day. It just takes a few minutes. Keep doing it till you experience healthy feelings more strongly.”
The volunteer succeeded in changing his feelings.
My point is that we create the depression and anger we feel by demanding that the universe not be as rotten as it is. The reality is that the whole universe is not rotten—nor is all of life rotten. Only certain elements of it are. Accept that along with many good things, bad things exist. Change them if you can, and accept what you can’t change.
Remember: It’s your thoughts that create the way you feel. It’s practically never hopeless. Acceptance is the key.
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Psychiatric Times. Vol. 29 No. 9
BEING A THERAPIST
Albert Ellis, PhD (1913 - 2007)
By Albert Ellis, PhD |
September 7, 2012
Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. He founded and was President of the New York City–based Albert Ellis Institute. He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. This month marks the beginning of his centennial anniversary year. His wife, Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis, continues his work, writing and presenting on his specific approach.
by Ronald Pies | September 23, 2012 6:49 AM EDT Thanks, Dr. Zimmerman, and--by the way--a very nice piece! Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis has also been very helpful in supporting my own writing, and in clarifying some of the differences between REBT and Aaron Beck's form of CBT. by Sebastian Zimmermann | September 22, 2012 1:35 PM EDT Hello Dr Pies, by Ronald Pies | September 19, 2012 7:32 PM EDT Albert Ellis was truly one of my greatest teachers, though I never had the privilege of meeting him in person. Toward his later years, however, we did correspond, and Dr. Ellis was kind enough to encourage me in my exploration of how REBT has strong affinities with the methods of Maimonides (ca. 1138-1204). Of course, Ellis had also written of the great debt REBT owes to the ancient Stoics, like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius.
Photo @ Intimate Portraits: Psychotherapists in Their Own Work Space by Sebastian Zimmerman, MD
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